Relationship Communication - Surefire Ways to Strengthen Relationship Communication

It seems a counter-intuitive question to ask, but often people seek out resources that justify what they feel they know. If you’re looking to do that, maybe this is not the resource for you. If however, you’re looking to learn and are open to change in order to improve your relationship communication techniques, then you’ve just found a goldmine.

No two people are the same. If you’re a Christian, you’ll know that God made us all differently, with our own unique talents. If you take a more scientific approach, you’ll know that we all have a unique genetic makeup. But even identical twins who share the same genetic code are different. In the same light, never expect your partner to always have the same with you. We all experience the world differently and therefore have our own unique way of seeing or doing things. This same rule of nature applies to relationship communication.

Try and appreciate these differences as an opportunity to gain a different perspective. Even if you don’t agree with the perspective, it will give you a more wholesome understanding of the issue at hand. If for example your partner takes a lot longer to make decisions than you, don’t write her/him off as being uninterested or not as smart as you. Some people may just actually need more time to really mull over certain ideas. Some people are perfectionists and need to make sure that every detail is correct before they make a decision. Some people may actually just not be good at making decisions. Rather than writing your partner off, asking them what they think about the idea, or why they are hesitating. This can alert you to an issue you’d never have thought of yourself or help you give them the reassurance they need.

Lastly, acknowledge when your partner has made a good point or is right. If they’re right, they’re right! What’s the point of denying that? It’ll only build a higher wall between the two of you and not make your partner feel understood. Being wrong is not failure; it simply means you now truly understand the truth. Simple statements like:

“You’re completely right about that, I guess I just felt that…”

“That’s a really good point, I hadn’t thought about it like that…”

“I get what you mean…”

“I hear what you’re saying, but I have a different perspective…”

in such situations can really strengthen relationship communication.

It’s far too easy to hide how you truly feel. That way you can suppress all the emotions and fears that go right along with those feelings. At this point you really have to ask yourself if it’s worth putting on the façade and watching your relationship deteriorate.

If for example you don’t like how your partner is always out with friends of the opposite sex, you should not just keep it to yourself for fear of being labeled possessive or insecure. When he/she asks you if you mind that they go out, say yes! Because while they’re out partying the night away, you’re at home resenting them. Or if you’re not happy with the way your partner shuts you out when they’re upset, you may end up blaming yourself, when maybe they’re dealing with other issues that have nothing to do with you. No matter how well you think you’re hiding your disappointment, these suppressed emotions will probably be reflected in the way you treat your partner and change your relationship for the worse.

Learn to put your feelings on the line a little. You may begin to see your partner follow suit. It’s easier said than done because the truth is not always so pretty and we’re often fearful about how what you have to say will come across. Thus with the same trust that you enter a committed relationship, you need to trust that your partner will be there for you, no matter what your truth is. When it comes to relationship communication, the truth will really set you free.

Although Freud’s theories are now considered laughable by most Psychologists, they remain important because they highlight the large role that our unconscious plays. Today we appreciate the unconscious not so much as a separate entity that has its own wants and needs, but rather an integrated system that influences our behavior.

For example, most people can type without looking at the keyboard every time they punch the next key. Or our ability to walk/drive to work without having to use a map, GPS system, or having to consciously recall the directions everyday. We do it, ‘automatically.’ In this same manner, we have unconscious thoughts and fears that we are not aware of, but which in turn have a negative impact on our behavior.

These unconscious thoughts and fears can become quite obvious when we become defensive. Nope, it’s not as technical as it sounds. When you literally find yourself defending yourself or a point you want to make, ask… “if I were to let this argument go, what really would be the outcome?” (this not to say we shouldn't defend ourselves, but if we are to do so, we should have genuine motivations behind it).

For example, you’re out with friends and they’re arguing with you about going to one restaurant versus another that you think is better. If you stopped arguing with them, what is the outcome? Perhaps that you don’t end up going to the restaurant you wanted to go to. What really upsets you about that? That people don’t want to do what you want them to do? That you aren’t the head of the crowd? It can be farfetched to be this introspective when this has happened one or two times. But if this type of situation upsets you often, with different groups, with your partner, at work … then maybe you need to consider that you unconsciously have the need to be in control.

So by analyzing the situations that make you upset, frustrated or cause us anxiety, we can begin to see what our unconscious motivations are. These influence the way you communicate with your partner. If for example you fear rejection, you may find that when it’s time to make a serious commitment in your relationship, you start to avoid your partner or start to be unusually abrupt.

Thus another key relationship communication technique is for you and your partner to work out what your unconscious motivations are. Then share them. That way you can both stop or reassure each other when you’re reacting according to these fears.

“Never assume the obvious is true.” - William Saffire (writer)

One way you can ensure yourself a relationship communication breakdown is to assume you know what your partner is feeling. Even when they do tell you, don’t assume that just because you receive the words, you truly understand their intent! Clarify with your partner.

You can use ‘the reflective technique.’ Paraphrase, to your partner, what they just said. Make sure use your own words. This will help clarify and makes sure you’re both on the same page. A simple statement like “So what you’re saying is you feel…” If you’re not quite right, don't get frustrated. Let your partner disagree, because only they truly know what they mean and what they need.

No-one on this Earth can read another’s mind, so don’t assume especially when it comes to unobservable constructs like thoughts and feelings. Relationship communication is not about assuming, it’s about the passage and understanding of information (in the way it was intended) between people who love each other.